Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
