I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
