She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
