I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Randomize
