I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
