I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
