she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
