i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
