Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Randomize
