So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Randomize
