just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
