Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
