life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
