Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
