is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
