k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
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