people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
