I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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