I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
