my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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