She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
They are going to name an STD after you.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
