She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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