I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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