woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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