It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
