please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
