So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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