what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
