That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
