Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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