Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
