Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
