Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
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