sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
