I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
