It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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