Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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