don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
