Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
