theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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