Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Randomize
