were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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