The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
