The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
