so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
