Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
Randomize
