I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
