my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
