p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
