I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
