New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Randomize
