im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I got inside last night via doggy door
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
