you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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